Aeneas

My name is Aeneas or, in that vulgar Greek, Αἰνείας. I was born and raised in the greatest city in the world, Troy. I am the son of Anchises and the goddess Aphrodite. My father was the cousin of the great king Priam of Troy. My mother promised Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world, to Paris, son of King Priam. The foul Greeks set up a coalition of many so-called “heroes” to come and take Helen back to her husband Menelaus. Our brave warriors held the walls of Troy until one day, the coward Greeks fled. It was only through their treachery and not through martial prowess that they took my birthplace, Troy. Throughout the war, I was beloved of the gods, including my mother, Aphrodite, and Apollo. Even Poseidon, whose sympathies mainly lie with the Greek scum, came to my rescue, believing that I was destined for greatness. After the Greeks snuck into Troy and started killing old men, women, and children and slaying warriors in their beds like the cowards they are, I fought valiantly until all hope was lost. I then took many of the remaining Trojans who had not been killed or captured, including my father and many of my friends. I left across the great sea with my compatriots, the Aeneads.
The jealous Hera ordered Poseidon to create a storm for us as we neared Sicily, controlled by honest men (therefore not Greeks). We are blown westward to another great city, Carthage. There, my mother made the queen of the city, Dido, fall in love with me. My men and I had everything we needed, but life was getting boring for a hero of my caliber. We left Carthage, but then I realized we forgot Dido. We saw a huge flame, which I later found out was where Dido committed suicide while cursing my descendants. Her followers then continued to burn her body. After that, we went to Sicily, but I realized that since we had last been there the Greeks had moved in. There was certainly no place for hardworking, honest men among the Greeks, so we disembarked for the land called Italy. We allied with one of the kings there and fought a war over who should marry his daughter. Well, needless to say, the mighty Aeneas triumphed over his lowly enemies (many of which were Greeks, by the way). I established my own kingdom. When I died, I was made immortal and became a god. My descendents included Romulus and Remus, founders of Rome and Julius Caesar. Eventually, my descendents crushed both the villainous Greeks and the foul Carthaginians, worshiped me as their founder, and honored me with one of the best pieces of literature, (I’m in it, of course) the Aeneid. I never forgave the Greeks for destroying Troy, or the Carthaginians for being so boring. Dido never forgave me, either. Fortunately, the children of Aeneas proved stronger (of course) and went on to found the greatest empire in the history of the world. Rome would prove to be even greater than Troy (almost certainly because I founded it).